I sometimes wonder what life would be like without depression. Would I think of a future instead of suicide? Would I never feel the overwhelming sense that my life is wrong? Forever longing for something I can’t put into words.
Most days I feel to much anxiety to even give my depression a thought. Still, I know it’s there, waiting silently, waiting to kill me. Major depression is my primary diagnosis. Within the layers of Aspergers, OSDD, and anxiety it hides, making it impossible to treat.
I say impossible because there are dissociated parts who are depressed for different reasons, longing for things that did not and can not ever happen. They long to end their suffering, like lost souls. I spend my life trying my best not to trigger these parts. I have action plans when it happens, I have extra doses meds to sedate me, and I never keep my scissors in the same place so they are to hard to find.
I hate just about everything about myself, my life, my past, everything that lead to this point in my life. I have done something I hope I don’t regret over the past couple weeks, I reached out to family. I don’t know what to expect, especially since my father is meeting my T next week. I was afraid of him all my childhood, and we have never been close my whole life. Seeing him makes parts run and hide, others rage. I am to overwhelmed to ever have an actual meaningful talk. I thought I forgave him years ago, but I guess I can’t vouch for other parts who are stuck in the past.
I have told myself this is out of respect. If my depression wins, a fight that is becoming harder everyday, they will know why. Why I stayed far away, why I was so messed up and why my depression beat me.
Aspie VS World 