The world of perpetual twilight and melancholy: Part 1

Note: This post may be triggering to others with derealization and depersonalization. Please also note everyone’s inner experience with this illness is different, this is just one such experience.

Fall is upon us. First cool nights, then soon after cool days. The sun noticeably lower in the sky. Leaves changing colors. Oranges, yellows, and browns dominate what was green. It’s a beautiful sight to live in New England this time of year. Though many years I have missed this beautiful change. You see, even though I have never been away from home, I have always lost time every fall. 

Losing time is kind of like that moment when your not sure if you turned off the coffee pot because you had so many other things going on in the moment. For some one with a dissociative disorder, triggers and stress can cause us to lose time for sometimes moments, other times, for days. This time of year it’s violet who is triggered the most and she is also the part of me that holds the most pain. 

Violet. Just writing her name envokes a vision of a strong young teen with pale skin wrapped in a fog of darkness with dark purple petals in the air. She would whisper things to me about how cruel the world was and how she wanted to die. All the whole time I writhed in bed, her strong emotions were to much for me to cope with when I became aware of her. Emotions that I could not alone understand as a child or cope with as an adult manifested subconsciously as a separate identity. I had experienced other parts before violet, but she is the one that troubles me the most. 

Learning to love violet has been a long road. At first she felt betrayed by everyone, and would not trust anyone. This became a problem with the younger parts who will trust very easily. She also is one of the only parts that can take executive control. Roommates would ask why I was up all night, when I was sleeping. At work I was brought into a meeting with a worker in tears because she could not work under me any more because I was unpredictable. I was self harming almost every night but no one I called for professional help could with my income. I eventually was hospitalized for three weeks, misdiagnosed, but it did get a me a therapist.
I think that’s enough back info on violet. In the next part I’ll talk more about her and her world. 

Living in multiple realities

Sometimes  I wonder if the reason others have a much easier time navigating life is they don’t need to question their perception of reality.  They go about their lives never doubting the reality of anything or themselves.  Being neurotypical they never experienced the crippling isolation that can come from being shunned from peers or from the pressures of family to conform.  They have supports and loved ones who keep them grounded in that reality.

Within major depression causing extreme isolation as a child my reality began to become malleable.  Unmet subconscious needs manifested as alternate versions of myself.  Soon these parts took on their own views of reality, most are subtle differences, but a couple are so drastic that when triggered I can easily loose touch with reality.  Without these parts I feel empty, and experience very little emotion or empathy.  I know from researching OSDD that they are parts of me, and I am not really whole without them.

The problem is being autistic I have a hard enough time coping as it is. With very little support and even less understanding from those around me, giving these parts time to heal has been very tricky.  Stress of different types (life problems, sensory, occupational, relationship, ect) can cause an acute reaction forcing a part to act out.  These moments are when I need people who tell me they care to understand to actually CARE and UNDERSTAND.

Most of the time I am just put down by my boyfriend when these events happen.  I can’t talk about them since he always wants to know what exactly he said, but I can’t tell him.  I just feel that part inside hurting.  It’s the same thing I get from my family when I spent time with them.  This becomes a problem because if I am triggered while alone most parts will not seek help and I have a long history of self harm, but I rather be alone than be around people who put me down.

 

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This is a difficult time of year for many of my parts and was thinking  to do a piece next about what it’s like to be in a certain parts reality, with the parts permission.   Let me know if would interest you, like or comment.

One of those weeks

I have spoke in the past about how I dislike people judging others on the spectrum based on their functioning ability.  I feel judging an aspie about their capability during a good week can undermine their struggles during a more difficult one.

There are just times when it’s like all my skills just go into hiding.  I opened my art programs the other day and was just blank.  I could not come up with anything.  For my last blog, I just doctored an image from an old animation.  I have not done any new work in a while, and this bothers me.  Nothing really interests me when I get like this.

I know it sounds like depression.  This very well can lead me to a bad place quickly, but that’s because any aspie who can’t do their interest can feel empty.  I know this is not my fault, and I am trying to be compassionate to myself.  Still it’s hard not to feel so useless.

 

Aspergers, my very (not so) well hidden disability.

Just like every one else on the spectrum, autism means many different things to me.  Being overwhelmed by  crowds of people, loud sounds can shut me down, and no matter what, after talking to me for more than twenty minutes I will say something out of place, rude, or just not shut up.  Yet most people can be very dismissive when I open up and do tell them.  Aspergers is a disability to me in that it does not ever allow me to be disabled.

The way I mean this is no matter how this disability effects my behavior, it’s not a valid reason.  If I shut down, I’m “running away”.  If I run off, I’m “acting childish”.  If I get so excited I start stimming, I need to “calm down”.  After all, if I can speak and look normal for small amounts of time I can’t be autistic enough that the other moments can’t be kept under control, right?

I am not trying to say I should not be held responsible for my actions.  I am saying that I am tired of being held to neurotypical standards when I am anything but.  Holding me to those standards holds me back.  If I have to be afraid to talk to someone cause I will mess up, why would I want to talk to people.  If I have to be stuck at a party, and I can’t go anywhere quiet when I need it, why would I go to any events.

I pushed myself, for many years, well beyond my limits.  Holding myself to being able to handle more, and work harder than anyone.  I also thought I could do it alone.  After all I was raised neurotypical,and was dismissed every time I spoke anything otherwise.  I am all for pushing people with aspergers, but too much is going to lead to major psychological problems.  For myself, I feel like all of the memories I have as a small child are of being told to act normal.

It bothers me so much that many of us get told that we don’t seem autistic or we are mildly autistic, and when our traits do show, we are told to act normal.  It angers me that there are those who believe that, and suffer, struggle, and feel like failures everyday just because they are differently abled.  Aspergers is a life long disability, I should not have to feel shameful about being born this way.

 

In my own world.

When I first did research into whether or not I was on the spectrum, one trait that I found interesting was that we can seem to be in own worlds.  Most Aspies have heard it called wrong planet syndrome.  I always felt this way, since I was very young.  I can’t remember a time I ever felt belonging.

Even more interesting to me was being also diagnosed with OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder).  I get stressed easily, and my I have whats called an acute stress response.  My brains response to stress causes me to have identity confusion and depersonalization.  This makes my world seem even more alien.  Imagine having to go somewhere overwhelming, like working at a busy store, but you feel different, can’t remember things, and don’t recognize yourself in the mirror.

For years this automatic response has skewed how I perceive reality and myself.  In many ways I am naive, insecure and have problems with self care and living independently.  At the same time I have difficulty asking for help, or voicing my needs, and asking for something I want feels like an insurmountable task.  I pretend I am fine, that I am able to do okay, even to myself.

My boyfriend has been getting pretty good at calling me out when I am afraid to ask for needs.  He does have a problem knowing how to handle when I am really gone, or shutdown.  I think people (including myself until I was diagnosed and learned more) don’t understand when some one is experiencing dissociation they really are not in control, and no amount of arguing with the person will help.

 

 

 

 

Numb. Symptom of Asperger’s, trauma, or both?

I feel numb, disconnected to the world.  This is not a new sense for me, I have always been this way, even though just a week or so ago I was feeling more connected than I ever felt.  Sadly despite real attempts at holding on to feeling, it has escaped me.

Even though this sounds upsetting, I don’t feel like it’s gone forever.  I did feel better, after all, even if it was so short lived. Then things happened to cause me stress.  In the trauma field it’s called an acute stress response.  So many simple things, a minor argument,  criticism, or even being around people I don’t know cause me to completely shutdown.  When so little hurts so much it’s not surprising we shut down.

I know that at some point invalidation of my self at an age I can’t remember caused me to split and deny those parts existence.  I had two mental breakdowns, one at about 24 and another at 32.  Each of these were due to dissociated parts triggered into conscious thought.  Both parts have added depth to my sense of self when I am not stressed.

I don’t know if some one unknown event lead to this, or if it is known, but still dissociated.  What ever the reason I grew up not feeling connection to anyone and almost anything.  I hid in the world of video games and computers, like many with Asperger’s.  I have been reading words by Bessel Van der Kolk and others to better understand how trauma may effect people with Asperger’s differently.

Studies show that healthy children, if not given healthy attachments will have life long problems if they experience trauma in their lives.  If given healthy attachments they have a buffer against trauma in the future.  It is theorized trauma effects children with autism differently, and they are more predisposed to dissociation.  Given this information I wonder if, given poor attachments, trauma from bullying along, being predisposed to dissociate, and our intense knowing we are different from peers leads to a developmental trauma disorder unique to children with Asperger’s.

 

Think I’m losing it.

For the past couple weeks I have been in and out of dissociation.  Today is the absolute worse day I have had in a very while.  This whole morning was a hell of panic, paranoia, and fear.  The only trigger being a sudden thought of a roommate having a hidden cam in the bathroom.  I have not felt safe living hear since a previous tenant punched me in the face, he was not mentally stable.  I can’t say I am any more stable either.  I took apart anything, pulled everything off the walls.

Then the stress caused me to switch and get stuck in a different personality state, a state who does not feel safe, nor wants to believe our past exists.  I had to shop for some food.  The whole walk I felt like I was in a different persons head, my street felt foreign.  I felt like a scared child and was extremely paranoid of anyone near me.  When I got home purging become priority, and by the time I could calm down and take back control I filled an entire garbage bin with my stuff.

Now I am anxious, exhausted and paranoid.  I know much of this stress comes from my current situation.  I don’t feel safe, nor have the money to live where I am now.  Moving in with a family member could be worse if they don’t understand how messed up I am.  My boyfriends house seems just as bad, he has his own issues but is running away from them.

I tried to take mine head on, I stopped taking my meds for a couple days.  I needed to feel, and maybe learn something.  I did.  I learned stopping my meds is a quick way DR/DP hell.  I also learned I am not getting better, just found meds that make me seem better.

Depression, forever waiting in the shadows.

I sometimes wonder what life would be like without depression.  Would I think of a future instead of suicide?  Would I never feel the overwhelming sense that my life is wrong?  Forever longing for something I can’t put into words.

Most days I feel to much anxiety to even give my depression a thought.  Still, I know it’s there, waiting silently, waiting to kill me.  Major depression is my primary diagnosis.  Within the layers of Aspergers, OSDD, and anxiety it hides, making it impossible to treat.

I say impossible because there are dissociated parts who are depressed for different reasons, longing for things that did not and can not ever happen.  They long to end their suffering, like lost souls.  I spend my life trying my best not to trigger these parts.  I have action plans when it happens, I have extra doses meds to sedate me, and I never keep my scissors in the same place so they are to hard to find.

I hate just about everything about myself, my life, my past, everything that lead to this point in my life.  I have done something I hope I don’t regret over the past couple weeks, I reached out to family.  I don’t know what to expect, especially since my father is meeting my T next week.  I was afraid of him all my childhood, and we have never been close my whole life.  Seeing him makes parts run and hide, others rage.  I am to overwhelmed to ever have an actual meaningful talk.  I thought I forgave him years ago, but I guess I can’t vouch for other parts who are stuck in the past.

I have told myself this is out of respect.  If my depression wins, a fight that is becoming harder everyday, they will know why.  Why I stayed far away, why I was so messed up and why my depression beat me.