Note: This post may be triggering to others with derealization and depersonalization. Please also note everyone’s inner experience with this illness is different, this is just one such experience.
Fall is upon us. First cool nights, then soon after cool days. The sun noticeably lower in the sky. Leaves changing colors. Oranges, yellows, and browns dominate what was green. It’s a beautiful sight to live in New England this time of year. Though many years I have missed this beautiful change. You see, even though I have never been away from home, I have always lost time every fall.
Losing time is kind of like that moment when your not sure if you turned off the coffee pot because you had so many other things going on in the moment. For some one with a dissociative disorder, triggers and stress can cause us to lose time for sometimes moments, other times, for days. This time of year it’s violet who is triggered the most and she is also the part of me that holds the most pain.
Violet. Just writing her name envokes a vision of a strong young teen with pale skin wrapped in a fog of darkness with dark purple petals in the air. She would whisper things to me about how cruel the world was and how she wanted to die. All the whole time I writhed in bed, her strong emotions were to much for me to cope with when I became aware of her. Emotions that I could not alone understand as a child or cope with as an adult manifested subconsciously as a separate identity. I had experienced other parts before violet, but she is the one that troubles me the most.
Learning to love violet has been a long road. At first she felt betrayed by everyone, and would not trust anyone. This became a problem with the younger parts who will trust very easily. She also is one of the only parts that can take executive control. Roommates would ask why I was up all night, when I was sleeping. At work I was brought into a meeting with a worker in tears because she could not work under me any more because I was unpredictable. I was self harming almost every night but no one I called for professional help could with my income. I eventually was hospitalized for three weeks, misdiagnosed, but it did get a me a therapist.
I think that’s enough back info on violet. In the next part I’ll talk more about her and her world.